On Becoming Your Worst Self

It is a common trope that, after a time, people start looking like their dogs. Not owning a dog myself, I cannot vouch for the accuracy of the statement but it's funny to consider. Recently, though, I heard author and political prognosticator extraordinaire Nate Silver proclaim that "after a while, people become their online selves" What he meant by that is that we often allow ourselves to be a more edgy, less thoughtful version of ourself online because of the anonymity and lack of human connection that the medium provides. After a while, however, we become that person in real life. That is to say, that we cannot separate the two versions of ourselves.

If this is true (and I fear that it is), this is a frightening development. Psychologist David Dunning says that "we know longer converse, we just proclaim". We are not interested in exchanging viewpoints, and value testing our own beliefs. We simply want to have hot takes that allow us to feel bold and righteous. While, in the short term, that can be very empowering. Who doesn't want to feel righteous? It ultimately alienated us from each other. There is little genuine human connection in online communication. Worse, as our personalities evolve (devolve) into our real world selves, there is little genuine human connection in our actual conversations anymore.

I certainly noticed this dynamic in my last few years as a principal. I had a parent who would often end his emails to me w/ the phrase "do better". There were certainly times when there was room for improvement in the things we were doing, but obviously the phrase "do better" is not motivating. I often wondered why he chose that as his closing remark. It occurs to me now that it made him feel good in the short term-he was declaring something authoritative. He was getting something done-taking bold action. Unfortunately, the effect of the remark was to take away from the power of the rest of the email when he shared what well could have been a legitimate concern. I did not want to help solve whatever problem that he was bringing to my attention. It was alienating, rather than collaborative.

I fear that we will have (if we don't already) a crisis of communication. As we become our online (worst) selves, we will no longer be able to solve problems collaboratively. We will just be proclaiming things at each other and feeling righteous in our thoughts. And indignant that the other party does not see it our way. Little will get solved and we will all be indignant. Not a recipe for a collaborative (or happy) society. This is a case where we really do need to "do better".

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