On what the Holocaust teaches us about disciplining kids....

It perfectly reflects the dichotomy of working with kids. We want them to be fierce in challenging authority and uncompromising in their values as adults. Yet, as kids, we want them to never question their parents or teachers.

    I had this in mind when I recently heard organizational psychologist Adam Grant on a recent podcast. Grant referenced a study that discerned why some Christians risked their safety during the Holocaust, while most non-Jews remained bystanders. Grant identified a primary factor is how the various groups were parented. Those that remained bystanders were disciplined simply w/ consequences. They were trained to respect and obey authority without critical thinking and nuance. Those who were willing to risk their own safety in order to do right were disciplined w/ explanations and life lessons. They were taught why "right was "right"; not simple obedience.

   Now, don't get me wrong. I do believe consequences matter. Kids need to learn that poor choices have consequences. There is nothing wrong w/ punishment in of itself. Ultimately, however, any consequence has to be couched in context. Why was that behavior wrong? How does your choice threaten what we value as a family? What can we learn from this situation? To be sure, sometimes these conversations can be even more painful for kids than the specific consequence itself. If we want, however, to raise kids who know how distinguish right from wrong, then we must include them as part of any disciplinary process.

We are all busy as parent and educators. Sometimes it is far easier to just impose the consequence we want. Sometimes it feels that "because I said so" should be enough. And, again, don't get me wrong. It's not a debate. The kids don't have to agree. But they should engage in the conversation. The stakes for all of us are that dramatic. The research that Grant references from the Holocaust tells us that.

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